Wednesday, July 1, 2015

Life is a circle!

It's been close to a year and a half since I blogged. Life just spun a full circle and I am back to where I left off.  Worrying about my mum and dad!.

It was work and confusion that overwhelmed me for the past year and but truth be told, I am not sure what was actually bugging me. It seems like everything is not right. My work, my friends, my folks,
my health.... or is it just in my head that everything is not how I want it to be.

So time flew and close to Christmas, it dawned on me that there was something clearly not right.
My mum's mental health has deteriorated. I am home most times to keep an eye on her and now will have to relook at my "career" choices.

And with the state of my own health, it seems to be God's plan to have me stay with mum and at the same time allow me to keep tabs on my health choices too!

I am ever grateful to God for his love and mercy.  Though I have not been a good child HE had been a great dad.

I pray HE will continue to be with me and guide me as I embark on this journey of healing both mentally and physically.

I pray for HIS blessings for my folks and Sage.

Here's wishing all out there Good Health and May you find Peace in your heart.

Friday, February 7, 2014

I'm useless,I'm old, life is meaningless!

These past months, I have watched my mum and dad, kinda of age.

Mum could not remember what day it was, she forgets just when she turns the corner into the kitchen, into the bedroom etc. My dad has slowed down a fair bit too, especially when he drives. He takes the longer route and half the time we make numerous u-turns cos we'd miss the turning or we went pass our destination.

I am afraid, cos I am losing my marbles too, and with mum and dad in that state, what will become of Sage.

I worry that I will not be able to take care of them. I have much to shoulder and no one to turn to for help.

We are a very close knit family and I mean close knit. My  mum and dad were never close to their brothers and sisters, thus I too grew distant. As a single mum, with a teenage son, I know my Sage need to grow up fast. I pray my Lord will watch over his growing up years so that I could worry less.  I have too little energy to worry about the future.  I just have to focus on the present.

Thus back to my present worry, looking after my aging mum and dad.

What do we see when we are with the elderly ... old, feeble, forgetful, slow people?

Do we get frustrated when we are walking behind them while they hog the shopping aisles or pavements.

Do we get frustrated when they talk too slow to get to the point, and how so little patience we have to stop to listen as they try to put together their thoughts and sentences?

Do we find them childish in some of their comments ... the first time you ever heard them critique that way of people or circumstances? How stunned you were!

Do you find it troublesome that you need to visit them so often, when in fact you have a busy life of your to lead?

How much blood will they drain from you?

I am afraid I might one day feel that way? When the going gets rough, I will lose perspective and empathy.
I will hate myself if that happens. I cannot forgive myself if ever I think of my parents that way.
I am no saint, I am only human.
I want to be able to give them a happy life in their last years for what they had provided me in my lifetime... Care,  Love and Protection.

How can I not do the same for them?  I want to, I must! Can I?

I came across this, it broke my heart thinking this is what is going through my parent's minds.


What do you see nurses? . . .. . .What do you see?
What are you thinking .. . when you're looking at me?
A cranky old man, . . . . . .not very wise,
Uncertain of habit .. . . . . . . .. with faraway eyes?
Who dribbles his food .. . ... . . and makes no reply.
When you say in a loud voice . .'I do wish you'd try!'
Who seems not to notice . . .the things that you do.
And forever is losing . . . . . .. . . A sock or shoe?
Who, resisting or not . . . ... lets you do as you will,
With bathing and feeding . . . .The long day to fill?
Is that what you're thinking?. .Is that what you see?
Then open your eyes, nurse .you're not looking at me.
I'll tell you who I am . . . . .. As I sit here so still,
As I do at your bidding, .. . . . as I eat at your will.
I'm a small child of Ten . .with a father and mother,
Brothers and sisters .. . . .. . who love one another
A young boy of Sixteen . . . .. with wings on his feet
Dreaming that soon now . . .. . . a lover he'll meet.
A groom soon at Twenty . . . heart gives a leap.
Remembering, the vows .. .. .that I promised to keep.
At Twenty-Five, now . . . . .I have young of my own.
Who need me to guide . . . And a secure happy home.
A man of Thirty . .. . . . . My young now grown fast,
Bound to each other . . .. With ties that should last.
At Forty, my young sons .. .have grown and are gone,
But my woman is beside me . . to see I don't mourn.
At Fifty, once more, .. ...Babies play 'round my knee,
Again, we know children . . . . My loved one and me.
Dark days are upon me . . . . My wife is now dead.
I look at the future ... . . . . I shudder with dread.
For my young are all rearing .. . . young of their own.
And I think of the years . . . And the love that I've known.
I'm now an old man . . . . . . .. and nature is cruel.
It's jest to make old age . . . . . . . look like a fool.
The body, it crumbles .. .. . grace and vigour, depart.
There is now a stone . . . where I once had a heart.
But inside this old carcass . A young man still dwells,
And now and again . . . . . my battered heart swells
I remember the joys . . . . .. . I remember the pain.
And I'm loving and living . . . . . . . life over again.
I think of the years, all too few . . .. gone too fast.
And accept the stark fact . . . that nothing can last.
So open your eyes, people .. . . . .. . . open and see.
Not a cranky old man .
Look closer . . . . see .. .. . .. .... . ME!!

Sunday, December 15, 2013

What joy this Christmas?

It's all work, work, work and more work.

It's a recurring situation and as much as I want to plan my time and have some festive fun, I seem to get nowhere and eventually not even a dress for Christmas, gifts for family or friends or time to decorate my home.

For past 6 years, I have not put up my Christmas Tree. With a family so divided and having lost touch with the real reason for celebrating Christmas, I no longer celebrate this festive occasion. Come to think of it I do not really celebrate any other occasions.  Work has overwhelmed me, energy has left me, memory is lacking, and my Sage is being cantankerous. Teen years are giving me a headache.  Life at this point sucks.

But a few days ago, a thought ran through my mind. I was recalling why Christmases and New Year became so somber in my home.   It was the month my first born was diagnosed with Leukemia on December 26 and passed away within a month.  I guess all along I have been trying to erase that memory and try to move on and attempt to make this season special.  But I guess maybe back in my sub-conscious that memory remained.  Then again was I trying to find a 'scapegoat' to explain why I am so nonchalant with regard to the festivities?

Again, more thoughts ran through, and I recalled when my first born was alive and we celebrated Christmas, even then I was unable to feel the joyfulness or happiness as others would have experienced.

What is wrong with me? Why could I not feel or function like others?  Am I anti-social?

Am I a bore? Am I lacking in love?

But I realise, it would take a lot out of me to make me really joyful or happy.

It's not the presents, not the Christmas lunch and dinners, parties...

But when I see the joy of strays (cats) enjoying my company, when I see joy in the face of elderly I had visited,  when I bring comfort to the sick or dying. (don't do enough of that)

Trouble is I am so overwhelmed with work that currently I do not have time to feel anything!!!

I pray that my Lord could save me and help me find some peace so that I may do the needy to bring the real Christmas back in my heart!

Perhaps only then could I spread that Christmas Cheer!

Friday, November 29, 2013

Do you know Fear?

I guess there are many situations in life that could bring fear.

Fear of our lack of financial security, fear of falling sick and becoming a dependant and a  nuisance to others.
Fear of your loved ones not caring for you. Fear of being a nobody...

All  these seems insignificant till you watch  FEAR up front.

I was out for my morning exercise and when I got home, I saw smoke bellowing out from my neighbours window. I rushed upstairs cos my mum was still in the apartment. Unfortunately both of us were unable to get back down as the smoke at the stairwell was too thick. Wet towels were ineffective.

We decided to retreat to our apartment and stuff wet towels under the door to prevent smoke from getting in.  We waited it out till the firemen came to get us.

Tragically our neighbour passed on.

That day itself I was not afraid, I was clear and systematic knowing exactly what I needed to do ( just as instructed in those fire safety rule books)

But FEAR struck when I watched a playback of a video that captured that mornings events at my front door.  My mother was frantic running in and out of the home, not knowing what to do. She banged on our neighbours front door but no one came.  I was truly upset with my mum, why, why was she not making her way downstairs.  What if I was not home that day, what would she have done.   PANIC AND FEAR gripped me more when I watched the video.  The fear that what if I was not there to help her.  The fear that what if there was no one there to help her.  How helpless she looked ... how helpless I felt!

These emotions took flight. I could only imagine how those in horrific natural disasters face fear.

I can  really feel for them now.

Somehow I know I need to do something with this knowledge and emotion?

Tuesday, July 30, 2013

How best to deviate?

Believe me, I am half a century old, and I have yet to fathom why people enjoy making others feel small.

Perhaps I am slow in learning , with age and  the slow death of millions of brain cells.  But I sincerely enjoy leaning new stuff.. just takes a little longer to absorb. But once I get the hang of it, I am on the roll.

I had encounters through the years, when seeking answers and am always given the brush off.

Loud, abrasive and abusive in the presence of others.  I am usually quiet when provoked cos I do not want to make a scene.

I was enlightened to learn "that when people do act out this way it is because they know little and wants to shut you up, before you ask too many questions that might make them look incompetent and inadequate in their knowledge"

Thus now when such situations arises, I must remember ... "I am better than what they make me out to be!"

Friday, July 5, 2013

Saving the Internet

My dad just turned 77 today!

I have decided to get him a used iPad.  It used to be mine!
I know, I know... I should have gotten him something NEW.
But problem is he never accepts presents or let me pay for meals.

Probably think I need to save up for my old age. I know he is extremely
concerned for my future. More so, he had been watching over me till now...
who is going to keep an eye out for me when he is gone.

Believe me he had been this way since I was young!
Worry, worry, worry! I have grown to be as paranoid!

But today, to save him from his current paranoia that he is losing
his marbles, the iPad will serve him well. Anything he could not
recall, just click search! You should have seen his face when he learnt
to use YouTube to search for singers like Frankie Laine, Johnny Cash etc
There was a glint in his eyes. I could tell though it may not be very conspicuous
to others.

Secondly, hopefully this will get him off Sage's back for being at the
comp all the time. Sage taught me that you could learn lots from YouTube.
From cooking, playing the piano, repairing the computer, photoshop and
lots more.

I've just saved the internet from condemnation!  ;)

Maybe i should next teach him how to start his own blog. hee hee

Wednesday, July 3, 2013

All over the place

Now that I am back ... hmm how long can I or will I stay?
I trully miss my blogging friends. But I am not a very good one too! 
All the things I need to handle, whether work, finance, home, parents, son... 
I do not seem to be  able to multi-task.  I am envious of those who are coping well! 

Silly problems just keeps loading into my ineffective brain and anxious heart.

I look strong and capable but unfortunately I am not! 

Do not judge a book by its cover! 
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