Sunday, December 15, 2013

What joy this Christmas?

It's all work, work, work and more work.

It's a recurring situation and as much as I want to plan my time and have some festive fun, I seem to get nowhere and eventually not even a dress for Christmas, gifts for family or friends or time to decorate my home.

For past 6 years, I have not put up my Christmas Tree. With a family so divided and having lost touch with the real reason for celebrating Christmas, I no longer celebrate this festive occasion. Come to think of it I do not really celebrate any other occasions.  Work has overwhelmed me, energy has left me, memory is lacking, and my Sage is being cantankerous. Teen years are giving me a headache.  Life at this point sucks.

But a few days ago, a thought ran through my mind. I was recalling why Christmases and New Year became so somber in my home.   It was the month my first born was diagnosed with Leukemia on December 26 and passed away within a month.  I guess all along I have been trying to erase that memory and try to move on and attempt to make this season special.  But I guess maybe back in my sub-conscious that memory remained.  Then again was I trying to find a 'scapegoat' to explain why I am so nonchalant with regard to the festivities?

Again, more thoughts ran through, and I recalled when my first born was alive and we celebrated Christmas, even then I was unable to feel the joyfulness or happiness as others would have experienced.

What is wrong with me? Why could I not feel or function like others?  Am I anti-social?

Am I a bore? Am I lacking in love?

But I realise, it would take a lot out of me to make me really joyful or happy.

It's not the presents, not the Christmas lunch and dinners, parties...

But when I see the joy of strays (cats) enjoying my company, when I see joy in the face of elderly I had visited,  when I bring comfort to the sick or dying. (don't do enough of that)

Trouble is I am so overwhelmed with work that currently I do not have time to feel anything!!!

I pray that my Lord could save me and help me find some peace so that I may do the needy to bring the real Christmas back in my heart!

Perhaps only then could I spread that Christmas Cheer!


  1. Hi Gaia! very sorry to hear of your deep loss. To me Xmas is a time to get in touch with your spirit or someone else's deceased or alive. And i find that there is too much distraction in this world to do that properly. The spirit of giving is the true meaning of life let alone xmas and the giving of your time, love and compassion (in your work or other) is the spirit of the season and I thank you for your service in whatever you do. It is all a contribution to this society. But most importantly give to yourself the same as you do for another. give yourself some peace. Hopefully this is helpful! Blessings to you!

  2. Thank you Hope. It is indeed a reminder! I am trying.. blessings to you too!

  3. although im moslem, and i not celebrete christmas, i hope you and your family get what you wishes, and always healthy. greetings from indonesia

  4. Hi Rusydi, welcome to my blog and thank you for your wishes.
    Same to you too... blessings.

  5. Praying this new year will bring you peace and joy!

  6. I just visited (after going on sporadic hiatus) and am hoping you had a good Christmas, however you spent it. Having read your previous post as well, I can't help but think: Good Lord, girl, you have had a lot going on. Of course the holidays would be full of complicated emotion. My heart goes out to you. I hope you feel it. <3

  7. Dear Terri and Judi
    Thank you both for your well wishes...I am truly grateful for the blogging friends I have and the wonderful real friends I have who will take me for what I am.

    Wishing all a Happy n Blessed New Year!

  8. Oh Gaia....I wish you an amazing 2014....filled with joy and adventure and love and peace. I'm sorry for what you've lived these past few years....but this year...I pray it all changes and only for the good. I'm believing that for you....stay strong and here's to a wonderful year.

  9. Hi Gaia, I've had problems with my computer. Wanted to come by here and say hi and wish you an most incredible 2014. Sending tons of hugs your way.

  10. Thanks Sarah for for your well wishes and encourgement. My life is like a cycle..wish I could get out of going around in circles. Never getting anyway.. just prodding along.
    I pray to stay strong too! :)


Love to hear from you! Blessings always

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