It's a recurring situation and as much as I want to plan my time and have some festive fun, I seem to get nowhere and eventually not even a dress for Christmas, gifts for family or friends or time to decorate my home.
For past 6 years, I have not put up my Christmas Tree. With a family so divided and having lost touch with the real reason for celebrating Christmas, I no longer celebrate this festive occasion. Come to think of it I do not really celebrate any other occasions. Work has overwhelmed me, energy has left me, memory is lacking, and my Sage is being cantankerous. Teen years are giving me a headache. Life at this point sucks.
But a few days ago, a thought ran through my mind. I was recalling why Christmases and New Year became so somber in my home. It was the month my first born was diagnosed with Leukemia on December 26 and passed away within a month. I guess all along I have been trying to erase that memory and try to move on and attempt to make this season special. But I guess maybe back in my sub-conscious that memory remained. Then again was I trying to find a 'scapegoat' to explain why I am so nonchalant with regard to the festivities?
Again, more thoughts ran through, and I recalled when my first born was alive and we celebrated Christmas, even then I was unable to feel the joyfulness or happiness as others would have experienced.
What is wrong with me? Why could I not feel or function like others? Am I anti-social?
Am I a bore? Am I lacking in love?
But I realise, it would take a lot out of me to make me really joyful or happy.
It's not the presents, not the Christmas lunch and dinners, parties...
But when I see the joy of strays (cats) enjoying my company, when I see joy in the face of elderly I had visited, when I bring comfort to the sick or dying. (don't do enough of that)
Trouble is I am so overwhelmed with work that currently I do not have time to feel anything!!!
I pray that my Lord could save me and help me find some peace so that I may do the needy to bring the real Christmas back in my heart!
Perhaps only then could I spread that Christmas Cheer!
For past 6 years, I have not put up my Christmas Tree. With a family so divided and having lost touch with the real reason for celebrating Christmas, I no longer celebrate this festive occasion. Come to think of it I do not really celebrate any other occasions. Work has overwhelmed me, energy has left me, memory is lacking, and my Sage is being cantankerous. Teen years are giving me a headache. Life at this point sucks.
But a few days ago, a thought ran through my mind. I was recalling why Christmases and New Year became so somber in my home. It was the month my first born was diagnosed with Leukemia on December 26 and passed away within a month. I guess all along I have been trying to erase that memory and try to move on and attempt to make this season special. But I guess maybe back in my sub-conscious that memory remained. Then again was I trying to find a 'scapegoat' to explain why I am so nonchalant with regard to the festivities?
Again, more thoughts ran through, and I recalled when my first born was alive and we celebrated Christmas, even then I was unable to feel the joyfulness or happiness as others would have experienced.
What is wrong with me? Why could I not feel or function like others? Am I anti-social?
Am I a bore? Am I lacking in love?
But I realise, it would take a lot out of me to make me really joyful or happy.
It's not the presents, not the Christmas lunch and dinners, parties...
But when I see the joy of strays (cats) enjoying my company, when I see joy in the face of elderly I had visited, when I bring comfort to the sick or dying. (don't do enough of that)
Trouble is I am so overwhelmed with work that currently I do not have time to feel anything!!!
I pray that my Lord could save me and help me find some peace so that I may do the needy to bring the real Christmas back in my heart!
Perhaps only then could I spread that Christmas Cheer!
