Friday, February 7, 2014

I'm useless,I'm old, life is meaningless!

These past months, I have watched my mum and dad, kinda of age.

Mum could not remember what day it was, she forgets just when she turns the corner into the kitchen, into the bedroom etc. My dad has slowed down a fair bit too, especially when he drives. He takes the longer route and half the time we make numerous u-turns cos we'd miss the turning or we went pass our destination.

I am afraid, cos I am losing my marbles too, and with mum and dad in that state, what will become of Sage.

I worry that I will not be able to take care of them. I have much to shoulder and no one to turn to for help.

We are a very close knit family and I mean close knit. My  mum and dad were never close to their brothers and sisters, thus I too grew distant. As a single mum, with a teenage son, I know my Sage need to grow up fast. I pray my Lord will watch over his growing up years so that I could worry less.  I have too little energy to worry about the future.  I just have to focus on the present.

Thus back to my present worry, looking after my aging mum and dad.

What do we see when we are with the elderly ... old, feeble, forgetful, slow people?

Do we get frustrated when we are walking behind them while they hog the shopping aisles or pavements.

Do we get frustrated when they talk too slow to get to the point, and how so little patience we have to stop to listen as they try to put together their thoughts and sentences?

Do we find them childish in some of their comments ... the first time you ever heard them critique that way of people or circumstances? How stunned you were!

Do you find it troublesome that you need to visit them so often, when in fact you have a busy life of your to lead?

How much blood will they drain from you?

I am afraid I might one day feel that way? When the going gets rough, I will lose perspective and empathy.
I will hate myself if that happens. I cannot forgive myself if ever I think of my parents that way.
I am no saint, I am only human.
I want to be able to give them a happy life in their last years for what they had provided me in my lifetime... Care,  Love and Protection.

How can I not do the same for them?  I want to, I must! Can I?

I came across this, it broke my heart thinking this is what is going through my parent's minds.

CRANKY OLD MAN

What do you see nurses? . . .. . .What do you see?
What are you thinking .. . when you're looking at me?
A cranky old man, . . . . . .not very wise,
Uncertain of habit .. . . . . . . .. with faraway eyes?
Who dribbles his food .. . ... . . and makes no reply.
When you say in a loud voice . .'I do wish you'd try!'
Who seems not to notice . . .the things that you do.
And forever is losing . . . . . .. . . A sock or shoe?
Who, resisting or not . . . ... lets you do as you will,
With bathing and feeding . . . .The long day to fill?
Is that what you're thinking?. .Is that what you see?
Then open your eyes, nurse .you're not looking at me.
I'll tell you who I am . . . . .. As I sit here so still,
As I do at your bidding, .. . . . as I eat at your will.
I'm a small child of Ten . .with a father and mother,
Brothers and sisters .. . . .. . who love one another
A young boy of Sixteen . . . .. with wings on his feet
Dreaming that soon now . . .. . . a lover he'll meet.
A groom soon at Twenty . . . ..my heart gives a leap.
Remembering, the vows .. .. .that I promised to keep.
At Twenty-Five, now . . . . .I have young of my own.
Who need me to guide . . . And a secure happy home.
A man of Thirty . .. . . . . My young now grown fast,
Bound to each other . . .. With ties that should last.
At Forty, my young sons .. .have grown and are gone,
But my woman is beside me . . to see I don't mourn.
At Fifty, once more, .. ...Babies play 'round my knee,
Again, we know children . . . . My loved one and me.
Dark days are upon me . . . . My wife is now dead.
I look at the future ... . . . . I shudder with dread.
For my young are all rearing .. . . young of their own.
And I think of the years . . . And the love that I've known.
I'm now an old man . . . . . . .. and nature is cruel.
It's jest to make old age . . . . . . . look like a fool.
The body, it crumbles .. .. . grace and vigour, depart.
There is now a stone . . . where I once had a heart.
But inside this old carcass . A young man still dwells,
And now and again . . . . . my battered heart swells
I remember the joys . . . . .. . I remember the pain.
And I'm loving and living . . . . . . . life over again.
I think of the years, all too few . . .. gone too fast.
And accept the stark fact . . . that nothing can last.
So open your eyes, people .. . . . .. . . open and see.
Not a cranky old man .
Look closer . . . . see .. .. . .. .... . ME!!

6 comments:

  1. hi Gaia! thank you so much for your visit to my blog :) actually i thought i left a comment on your post the other day or perhaps i was preparing one and got interrupted.
    Very moving post. gave me a lot to think about as i have already thought about many of those things. Everyone has a story although we many never come to know many of them but it is good to always know we all have a story (my theme for my other blog). I am happy that you come from a close family. there are so many things one can learn from it.

    My mother used to call me everyday. She considered that to be part of being a close family and there was a time when I got frustrated at the fact that her frequent phone calls annoyed me but...i stopped myself from thinking that way knowing she was not going to be around forever and i am glad i did. She passed away in 2003. I learned to nod and smile at the many things she had told me repeatedly.

    We must try and take the aging process in stride and do what we can for ourselves to help us gain a healthy mind and body so we can be of use to those who need us.

    come visit me at moreworksofhope.blogspot.com and share your thoughts :)
    take care!

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    1. Dear Hope, you are so right, life is so short. How long more do we have them with us. Love now or regret later. Blessings and will pop over later. cheers

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  2. This is so sad. My father in law just went into the nursing home. He can't talk or walk now and we know he us sad. It breaks my heart seeing our parents age. We are feeling what you feel. It's so hard to help and you feel alone. Praying for you too,,

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    Replies
    1. Hi Terri, praying for your dad too! You take care. Blessings

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Love to hear from you! Blessings always

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