What joy this Christmas?

It's all work, work, work and more work.

It's a recurring situation and as much as I want to plan my time and have some festive fun, I seem to get nowhere and eventually not even a dress for Christmas, gifts for family or friends or time to decorate my home.

For past 6 years, I have not put up my Christmas Tree. With a family so divided and having lost touch with the real reason for celebrating Christmas, I no longer celebrate this festive occasion. Come to think of it I do not really celebrate any other occasions.  Work has overwhelmed me, energy has left me, memory is lacking, and my Sage is being cantankerous. Teen years are giving me a headache.  Life at this point sucks.

But a few days ago, a thought ran through my mind. I was recalling why Christmases and New Year became so somber in my home.   It was the month my first born was diagnosed with Leukemia on December 26 and passed away within a month.  I guess all along I have been trying to erase that memory and try to move on and attempt to make this season special.  But I guess maybe back in my sub-conscious that memory remained.  Then again was I trying to find a 'scapegoat' to explain why I am so nonchalant with regard to the festivities?

Again, more thoughts ran through, and I recalled when my first born was alive and we celebrated Christmas, even then I was unable to feel the joyfulness or happiness as others would have experienced.

What is wrong with me? Why could I not feel or function like others?  Am I anti-social?
Am I a bore? Am I lacking in love?

But I realise, it would take a lot out of me to make me really joyful or happy.

It's not the presents, not the Christmas lunch and dinners, parties...

But when I see the joy of strays (cats) enjoying my company, when I see joy in the face of elderly I had visited,  when I bring comfort to the sick or dying. (don't do enough of that)

Trouble is I am so overwhelmed with work that currently I do not have time to feel anything!!!

I pray that my Lord could save me and help me find some peace so that I may do the needy to bring the real Christmas back in my heart!

Perhaps only then could I spread that Christmas Cheer!

Do you know Fear?

I guess there are many situations in life that could bring fear.

Fear of our lack of financial security, fear of falling sick and becoming a dependant and a  nuisance to others.
Fear of your loved ones not caring for you. Fear of being a nobody...

All  these seems insignificant till you watch  FEAR up front.

I was out for my morning exercise and when I got home, I saw smoke bellowing out from my neighbours window. I rushed upstairs cos my mum was still in the apartment. Unfortunately both of us were unable to get back down as the smoke at the stairwell was too thick. Wet towels were ineffective.

We decided to retreat to our apartment and stuff wet towels under the door to prevent smoke from getting in.  We waited it out till the firemen came to get us.

Tragically our neighbour passed on.

That day itself I was not afraid, I was clear and systematic knowing exactly what I needed to do ( just as instructed in those fire safety rule books)

But FEAR struck when I watched a playback of a video that captured that mornings events at my front door.  My mother was frantic running in and out of the home, not knowing what to do. She banged on our neighbours front door but no one came.  I was truly upset with my mum, why, why was she not making her way downstairs.  What if I was not home that day, what would she have done.   PANIC AND FEAR gripped me more when I watched the video.  The fear that what if I was not there to help her.  The fear that what if there was no one there to help her.  How helpless she looked ... how helpless I felt!

These emotions took flight. I could only imagine how those in horrific natural disasters face fear.

I can  really feel for them now.

Somehow I know I need to do something with this knowledge and emotion?

How best to deviate?

Believe me, I am half a century old, and I have yet to fathom why people enjoy making others feel small.

Perhaps I am slow in learning , with age and  the slow death of millions of brain cells.  But I sincerely enjoy leaning new stuff.. just takes a little longer to absorb. But once I get the hang of it, I am on the roll.

I had encounters through the years, when seeking answers and am always given the brush off.

Loud, abrasive and abusive in the presence of others.  I am usually quiet when provoked cos I do not want to make a scene.

I was enlightened to learn "that when people do act out this way it is because they know little and wants to shut you up, before you ask too many questions that might make them look incompetent and inadequate in their knowledge"

Thus now when such situations arises, I must remember ... "I am better than what they make me out to be!"

Saving the Internet

My dad just turned 77 today!

I have decided to get him a used iPad.  It used to be mine!
I know, I know... I should have gotten him something NEW.
But problem is he never accepts presents or let me pay for meals.

Probably think I need to save up for my old age. I know he is extremely
concerned for my future. More so, he had been watching over me till now...
who is going to keep an eye out for me when he is gone.

Believe me he had been this way since I was young!
Worry, worry, worry! I have grown to be as paranoid!

But today, to save him from his current paranoia that he is losing
his marbles, the iPad will serve him well. Anything he could not
recall, just click search! You should have seen his face when he learnt
to use YouTube to search for singers like Frankie Laine, Johnny Cash etc
There was a glint in his eyes. I could tell though it may not be very conspicuous
to others.

Secondly, hopefully this will get him off Sage's back for being at the
comp all the time. Sage taught me that you could learn lots from YouTube.
From cooking, playing the piano, repairing the computer, photoshop and
lots more.

I've just saved the internet from condemnation!  ;)

Maybe i should next teach him how to start his own blog. hee hee

All over the place

Now that I am back ... hmm how long can I or will I stay?

I trully miss my blogging friends. But I am not a very good one too! 

All the things I need to handle, whether work, finance, home, parents, son... 

I do not seem to be  able to multi-task.  I am envious of those who are coping well! 

Silly problems just keeps loading into my ineffective brain and anxious heart.

I look strong and capable but unfortunately I am not! 

Do not judge a book by its cover!